Yup, I'm 12...

So the baby munkey has a favorite TV show. his favorite? Elmo. While Elmo does not have his own show (a little parental insight for those that do not have kiddos) he is featured in the last 20 minutes or so of each episode of Sesame Street.

Yes, Elmo talks in that high pitched, gears grinding sort of way. Yes, Elmo does refer to himself in the 3rd person. Normally, he does have a good message, either about sharing, dinosaurs (a casa favorite) or music.

Yesterday, Babymunkey and I sit down to watch some Elmo before he left for daycare. Elmo starts each episode the same way, introducing what he is thinking about. Imagine my shock, failed attempt to hold back the laughter, and un-easyness when the episode started like this.

"Hi boys and girls! Know what Elmo is thinking about today? Ya-ta-da-da! Balls!!"

At this point I glance at the screen. Elmo opens the door, and various tennis, soccer, base, foot, and basketballs fall into the room. Elmo has a fish named Dorthy. Ya wanna know what Dorothy was thinking about as well???

BALLS!

They ask a recurring character named Mr. Noodle how he plays with his balls. The balls bounce around the room. The balls are not always round, and come in a variety of colors. Some are big balls, some are small.

The ninjamunkey was beside himself, not wanting to die trying to hold back the flood of laughter, guffaws, and tears that really really wanted to show themselves, for fear that I would have to explain to my almost 3 year old why I was laughing. I held my breath.

As the show was ending, various balls filled Elmo's house, and this was after watching the ball channel on his TV, and talking to his balls about how they like to be played with. I was doing so well.

Until Baby Munkey looked at me and said "wow, that is a lot of balls daddy"

I give up.

almost a month

Yes, its been almost a month since I last put something up in this little corner of the world. Gald to know that some of you are still checking in on me. I do live, and I do live quite well these days. I have found that working retail hours is something that takes longer to get used to than say, a normal 9-5 corporate job, but I am making due. the bad part is that with my company, anything I say has to be shielded with the non-compete non disclosure type of clauses, I have anything rarely to say that does not involve the day job. Things are plugging along at a pretty frequent pace, my sister is still a crackwhore, and well beyond that, we live day to day. Farewell my friends, I go take a shower now. Gotta go to work in a few

Coming soon...

Something new, not so depressing, and hopefully full of laughter. But first, an attempt to get a little shut eye. Day off Friday, and I will post then I am sure. Maybe. But then again, I might be sleeping. Damn jetlag....

A sampling...

Here is a list of things that I have learned over the course of my first week in Cali....

1) Northern CA can get cold at night, and sometimes during the day-a heavier jacket would have been a good idea because 50 in Texas feels a lot warmer than 50 here.

2) Time changes kick your butt for the first week, no matter how seasoned of a traveler you are

3)

4) Local news varies from place to place, but each news cast ends with a human interest story with something about a twinkie, a dog with one eye, and a boy that can only hear when he listens to his iPod.

5) The comforts of home do not follow you, they only haunt you

6) Hotel pillows and beds only look comfortable. In reality they are as squishy as biscuit dough.

7) Speaking of biscuits, food in another state may look the same, be in the same restaurant chain, but is vastly different

8) Sushi is waaaay more popular that I thought, but only reminds me of the awesome chinese food I cannot get here because the hole in the wall corner joint is no where to be found.

9) Mountians with clouds over them, with snow on them, or in the distance look so perfect, you think they are fake

10) Drinking whiskey while in the hottub will not only make you feel more drunk, its a bad idea.

11) I am not 22 anymore, and cannot drink shots like a young guy. Bleech

This will all make perfect sense, someday

Day 5 of training has been recorded in the books. I now have a weekend in front of me. A weekend of sightseeing and picture taking, the complete tourist package. Damn only 5 days. I look back at day 1-3 and they are a haze. Sometimes life moves so quickly, the only choice you have is to ride the current, hoping to keep your head above water.

I feel like the family I was complaining about not seeing enough is with me though. They are my water wings in the river of life. Damn that is poetic, or pathetic, depending on who you ask.

Just testing a new application that will let me post from a cool new application....nothing to see here move along

I should be sleeping

Sometimes, my mind does not turn off. Or I cram so much crap into it for a test I have to take, that I cannot go back to sleep. Tonight, I studied too much, cannot turn the mind off, and I miss my family.

So here I am, in the the land of bronze tans and boobjobs, but have not seen the sun since I have been here. Today, as I looked through the continous driving rain, I think I spotted mountians in the distance, or maybe I was looking as some evil clouds that happen to be black. Its rains, a lot. All day. And night. The swimming pools are starting to run over. They look so inviting, steaming from the heated water, and yet the stinging rain that drives me back keeps me away. I feel like Forrest Gump.

I have felt isolation like I have right now, only one other time in my life. Bootcamp. I was stuck there, not knowing anyone, overwhelmed stepping from the bus. I knew my family was back home waiting on me to come back, thinking of me often. I would bond with the people I was living with, out of exhaustion, fear, isolation. So I study. I focus on the task at hand. I remind myself that I will excel, and do all of this with flying colors.

Its who I am. Who are you?

Landed...

So here I am, in a state on the west coast, getting ready for 2 weeks of training for the day job. I have plush corporate apartment, sharing with one of my coworkers. Its pretty cool for the most part, but would be much better if I had Mrs. Ninjamunkey and the baby munkey here to share the bed with me. Yeah I know, odd. So I decided I would post the first of my west coast blogs, and share what I was writing on the plane. Enjoy, and I will be back tomorrow. Hopefully.

As I write this, I am in the air, apparently going over some “sky roads” that need serious repair. I have been jostled every which way, and it kinda sucks, since I hate flying so much. Its not the taking off, or the landing that bug me, its actually the fact that I am shoved into a seat, crammed in and there are arm rests on either side of me, but apparently I am not to use either one of them.

My dad used to tell me to imagine that I was just one a bus going down a really bumpy road, and it would help with the anxiety I felt. Well its smells like urine in here, so its either because I am so close to the john, or it’s the old woman to my left. Wait, has she breathed in a while?


I was scanning the lobby of the airport trying to figure out who the other Mac heads were, but everyone was writing something on a Mac laptop, so who knows. Will I be the oldest? Will I fit in? shit, I speak geek with the best of them, so hell yeah I am going to fit in.

This flight sucks for the record. I am perched next to the engine,, literally, I look past the person on my right, and I see engine. Does not provide great acoustics for watching a movie. So I am rocking out to some Peter Westerberg and writing. Seems like a fair trade off.

Ah yeah she is still breathing, just took off her hearing aide…

So getting on, I notice that everyone in the earlier rows looks you over, as if you are a potential risk. I know what they are thinking, I do it to. Who am I going to have to overpower if they try to take the plane. My vote is for gramma as the skymarshal. She is deeeeeeeeeep under cover.

I have always heard or read those “dear penthouse, we were on a returning flight, and she began taking off her blouse” type of things. HOW? I am crammed in the seat, cannot feel my ass, and would have to knock out 4 people if I were to sneeze. How does that work? Is it like the hot pizza girl that always gives sexual favors in exchange for the pizza and tip?


So leaving today was uncomfortable, because the baby munkey was screaming “Daddy! I wanna go with you or you stay here!!!!!” for the final 5 minutes with the family. Apparently he was subdued with a promise of the park as they were leaving, but it made me feel bad for a while. Then the questions started.


Sir, have you been in possession of your luggage for the past 24 hours? Do you have any firearms, explosives, knifes or playdoh on your person? Do you have any fruit in your luggage that might make the cargo hold rally stinky? Are those bugle boy jeans you are wearing? How soon is now?

Its fun going through the second security stop on the way to the gate. I actually had this brilliant idea to check in, make sure the gate was correct, and go catch a smoke before the flight, but after having to take my shoes, belt , hat, turn on the laptop camera ipod and show that the thumdrives were actual drives, I did not want to fight with it again, so I waited.

floating around the blogs

Latest trend, a word cloud, courtesy of Ali, Leemer, Bon, Debra, Cubby, Annette

I am Jack's guilty conscience

So while sitting around this weekend, we came up with an idea. I was going to do some google work and see if I could find blogs of people that have gone through training, and see if I could find out what to expect when I arrive in California in a few weeks.

1 general theme keeps coming up. If you work for XXX you don't blog about it. Its frowned upon, in fact you can be eliminated for doing so. So below are the rules of XXX.

The first rule of XXX employment, don't talk about Apple employment
The second rule of XXXX employment, don't talk about Apple employment

So sorry, I will not be able to share too much about my career. See me in person if you wnat to know how its going. From this day forward, it is my day job.

Remember the Alamo, with a T shirt

So this weekend we went to San Antonio, Texas for a mini vacation. Along for the ride, we had the baby munkey, Mrs. Ninjamunkey and Grandma (insert nickname here, but I am voting for Cocktail). We stayed at the world famous Menger hotel. Built in 1859, it has hosted people from Babe Ruth to that one guy that killed his girlfriend on the 3rd floor back in the 1930's. Oh yeah, and was designated as one of the most haunted places in Texas. Course, how did it get that title? Was there like a haunt off? Was the menger told that if it could not fufill its duties as the most haunted place in Texas, that some other location would step in?

The Menger is actually across the courtyard from the Alamo. It was actually a fun trip, but I have a few complaints.

1) the Riverwalk is waaaay cool. But seriously. Do I need to walk through a Shopping mall to get to every single part of it?

2) Shit stands. You know what they are. Every 10 feet there is a stand to purchase something you never needed, or did not know you needed until you see it. The San Antonio Zoo was guilty of this. There were small boxes around each corner that had ceramic toucans sitting on the alamo. It was gaudy, and therefore they became "Shit Stands"

3) There is no # 3

4) The Alamo. I can't take pictures, but around each corner someone named "Diablo 98" was able to scrawl his name into the wall with a sharpie? Huh? Fishnets? I just wanted pictures of the inside. I was looking for the damn basement, and I could not find it. But I did find 800 clear boxes containing 1 dollar, each labeled "help the Alamo". And really, I may be jaded, but how am I supposed to belive that the piece of wood in the corner was actually from Daniel Boone's house in Kentucky? It was a stick with a homedepot sku on it. Oh and those really cool buildings that used to house the women and children, or were the funeral pyre locations? You can now get a replica bullwhip, coonskin cap, and bowie knife all for the low low price of 100 dollars. Enjoy, but don't take any photos.

5) Old Hotels. Yes they do in fact have charm. Its cool to think your hanging out in a place frequented by presidents, Oscar Wilde, and socialites. But the downside to old hotels? They do not have room adjustable Air Conditioning. Our room, on the 5th floor, averaged 80-85 degrees the whole time, because the hotel had the heat on. We tried to open the windows, but they were those anti-jumper windows, you know they open about 4 inches. Never has a 3 dollar ice cream sandwich tasted so good.


6) In room movies. While sitting in our sauna of a room, we decided to watch a movie. "Its easy, and for one low price watch a movie that is still in theatres" What they don't tell you is that one low price is 10 bucks, and without a Tivo like device, you cannot pause the movie for potty breaks or drink refills. Not nearly as good as being at home. But we did watch Jarhead. The book is better.

We had some fun. We were nagged by Gramma Cocktail a lot, because she did not think we would be walking so much, and would take cabs I guess. The riverwalk would be hard to navigate in a taxi, from what I can tell. Most everything there was closed. Apparently year round fun starts in mid march. Figure that statement out.

radio check...

So it was pointed out to me this weekend that I have not posted in a while. The main goal was to hold off posting until I could reveal a great bit of news concerning the career. While the news has not turned sour by any means, it is still shelved until I get the official OK. So I wait. And I go to a job that I really don't like at all. And I wait. I check my email at least 15 times a day from work, hoping beyond hope that I will have something there. I check my phone randomly to see if it is turned on, and if I have managed to miss some calls. I move around here at work like I am in a fog. Its not that I dont have things to do, I just don't want to. They want me to go permanant here, and have made a job offer, but it was followed with what can only be called a back handed compliment, and really come to think of it, was not complimentary at all. Imagine spending 12 years of your life doing something, knowing that you are better than 90% of the work force at your job, and being told that you could be replaced with an hourly worker and it would take a few weeks to get them up to speed. So yeah, it was a slap in the face, and so I don't give them an answer about the job. I come in each day, do my work, and get out of here at quickly as possible.

I have taken to being a lot more undiciplined with work than I ever have before. Since I have to be here before dawn, I often go into the server room, turn off the lights and snooze for 30 minutes to an hour. Today, I had to be here 30 minutes earlier than normal, in case any issues come up. Its apparently a Monday morning rule now. Of course I was here at 4:40am, and was the only person around. I also do not have keys to the gates and fences, so I spent the first 25 minutes of my shift listening to the Ipod and sitting in the parking lot of a corner store.

I know there are people out there that are still looking for jobs, and I used to feel guilty for complaining about being one of the highest paid janitor/IT/human relations people around. Now, I just want to leave.

They got me...

Ok repeatedly tagged this week with this little quiz, so here ya go...and I tag, everyone that reads this and has not already done so....




Four jobs you've had in your life: Computer Tech, Bar/Restaurant manager for Bennigans, Pornographic movie editor (sounds so dirty no matter how I say it), Armed security guard

Four movies you could watch over and over: Clerks, Field of Dreams, Major League, Crossroads (not the Britany Spears version, the Ralph Macchio one)

Four places you've lived: Dallas,Tx. Mesquite, Tx. San Diego, CA. Fort Worth, Tx.

Four TV shows you love to watch: The Shield, Rescue Me, My Name is Earl, Scrubs
Four places you've been on vacation: Vegas, Galveston Bay, and weekend trips that dont really count.
Four websites you visit daily: All of the blogs I visit on blogger,Yirmumah. Fark

Four of your favorite foods: Sandwiches, Lasagna, my wife's homemade cookies, Chipotle burritos

Four places you'd rather be: home, batting cages, shooting range, The container store.

Four albums you can't live without: Rent soundtrack, Singles soundtrack, Jimi Hendrix-Are you experienced, Stevie Ray Vaughn-The sky is crying

Four magazines you read: Rolling Stone, Entertainment Weekly, Real Simple, Cracked

Four cars you've owned: 05' Jeep Grand Cherokee, 01' Chevy Silverado, 97' Oldmobile Acheva, 67' VW Beetle.

Showdown...

The scene: Shift managers office. The SQL install had gone wacky, not wanting to print.
Cast: Myself, working on the computer. The shift manager, waiting on the machine to be fixed. Lumberjerk, the 25 year old, fat, mechanical engineer, one who is pompus, and rude.

As we move in, we see Ninjamunkey sitting at the computer, digging through .INI files, looking for the printer entries that could be causing the issues. He scrolls down the page, reading and muttering to himself as he does when he is working.

Shift manager: Damn, munkey, did you fix it you computer stud you? *laughing*

Lumberjerk: Ah hell, ninjamunkey probably did not get laid until late in life, mainly because he spent all his time on computers. Ha Ha, Yeah I bet he got a pitty screw from some girl after he fixed her machine.

Ninjamunkey: *removing my sweat jacket to reveal my new Glock brand handguns T-Shirt* Yeah, well except for that whole Marine Corps thing. Chicks totally dig guys that know how to kill.

it's at this point that Lumberjerk turns an even more pasty white and removes himself from the office. Ninjamunkey fixes the SQL issue, prints the page in question, and leaves, leaving the shift manager cackling behind him.

END SCENE....

Things that annoy me...

I have not done one of these types of rants in a while, but figured, "why not? I'm in a good mood"

--Driving down the highway, I see the big information signs that alert drivers to traffic issues and such. It says something to the effect of "Arson/Burn ban in effect, contact 1-877-****** to report violators" So as I read it, I have to wonder what to do when the burn ban is lifted and arson is spotted? Isn't arson already kinda "banned" with that whole illegal thing???!??--

--My company is notorious for not giving notice about shift changes. For example, they might tell me at 4 on a Friday that I need to be here at 6 am on saturday.--

--I hate it when people read over my shoulder. Yes, my writing captures the attention of its reader, but dammit wait for it to be published! I have people that would walk up behind me and read over my shoulder while waiting for the printer to run off thier stuff. I finally moved the table out, and put my back against the wall. Ha Ha that will show them!--

--You people that feel the need to forward me every "Goverment warning" email about cell phone listings, email listings, spam, virus alerts, scams involving food stamps. Stop it! I get time to check the internet and email about 5 times a day, and I dont want your silly crap clogging my inbox--

--Loud cell talkers! You right there, in the red shirt, talking to who I am going to assume is your wife about something the dog ate and has not passed yet. I don't give a shit (pun intended)go away from my area, and talk on your phone with its annoying ringer that sounds like a duck stuck in a printer. Go away!--

--You job recruiters that call me, and tell about these wonderful jobs that I am perfect for, and then you send my resume, and then never call again, well aren't you a bunch of bitches!!!--

--my moms, who after I got in one little fight, got scared as hell, and said I was moving in with my auntie and uncle in Bel Aire--

Damn you Apple!!!

Ok I am an Applephile. I love those damn machines. I work with PCs all day, and go home to a HP running Windows XP. If I want to unwind, or upload music to my (Apple)Ipod, I move over to my Ibook. It's white, 14.1 inch viewable goodness of OS X. If I had to choose one machine to work on for the rest of my life, it would be pez, cherry flavored pez...sorry I forgot what I was talking about. If I had a choice in this digital revolution, I would own an Apple mobile phone (are ya listening Jobs?), My Ipod would crank out the latest edition of the greatest hits from Boston, the band not the town, and I would arrange all of my music in Itunes on a Mac. My email would be written in Mac Mail, not Exchange. Microsoft would not be a name that belonged on my resume But games are not that available for Mac, and my unwind includes blowing shit up, and shooting bad guys.

Today Apple unveiled the MacBook Pro and I wet myself a little. Its sleek, fast, and powered by an Intel chip. I did not have the initial "Gag me, Intel is the devil" reaction that most Applephiles might have had. I had a "Damn, I need 3 grand for a laptop" reaction.

I guess the point of this post in the beginning was to touch on the hatred for all things windows based I am supposed to have. Every Machead in the place is standing on their ears, waiting...Instead its a call to arms for everyone that loves me. Buy me a Macbook. Donate all that you can, your money will go to good use. I promise.

Random

So as I sit here this morning, I realized that I have not done a random blog in a while. A Scattershooting if you will. And I will.


-I am writing as part of a new project over at The baseball blog There are a lot of talented writers and baseball fans writing stuff over there, and then there is me. You should check it out.

-I have been getting a lot of steady traffic lately, visitors and such. If this is the first time you are reading my Blog, I am so sorry. If you are a repeat visitor, I am so sorry.

-The new year comes in with a bang, and hopefully it will mean a better job for the ninjamunkey, since the current location is not so hot. To give you an idea, there is the joke that my nickname is Cinderella, since I have to sweep and mop quite a bit around here. Seriously. I could not make that up. Imagine if I had less IT experience. I might have to run a vacuum.

-went and saw King Kong this past weekend. Honestly, while it had a monkey in it, I was not that impressed. Sure it had great effects, and *spoiler* the death of Kong made me sad, I thought there was waaay too much "creative" cinematography. I don't need an extended scene of Kong and Naomi Watts looking at a sun set. Majestic, yes, creating a longer movie, why bother? Although, knowing that Ms. Watts had to act against a green screen for the majority of her scenes, I was mega impressed with her performance. Jack Black was almost disappointing, since I expected him to run into Kyle Gass and break into a Tenacious D song at any moment. Adrian Brody. BOOORING. Deadpan actor, odd looking, and hard to take seriously as a love interest for anyone other than a cartoon character. 12 out of 54 stars.

-Watched the 40 year old virgin this past week on DVD. I laughed so hard, I think I was tired when it was over. Excellent movie, in the brain dead, I dont want to think type of way.

that is all I have for now, and again, I'm sorry. have a day!

Ring Ring...

11:00pm
Getting a little tipsy, I send a text message to several in my contact list, just the typical "Happy New Year, wish you were here"

11:45
I get a response back from my sister, stating "Happy New Year, want a picture?"
I reply with "Absolutely" shocked that she responded

I promptly get photos from her back, all in a somewhat flirty nature, but maybe she thought they were cute.

12:15
The Ninjamunkies pose for a photo, and send it back to her

5:27am
I get a message from her saying "I hope you are as happy as I am"

5:30am
I get another message saying "who is this?"

5:30AM

my phone rings, and I stumble to the dresser to get it. It's New Years Day, and we had been in bed about 2 hours. Several hours of whiskey and coke, and greasy pizza, I don't want to be awake this early.

Me: "Hello?"
Phone: "hey Who's this?"
Me: "Nathan". It's at this point that I look at the display and see that its my sister, whom I have not spoken to in well over a year, since she went off the deep end with drugs and parties.
Her:"Nathan....Nathan....Nathan who?"
Me:(slightly annoyed that she is truly this dumb)"your brother"
Her: "how did you get this number?"
Now this is where my years of avoiding questions has paid off. See I could have said that my mom gave me the new number she got secretly from a friend of Sis'. But instead I avoid...
Me:"You were text messaging me last night, duh!"
Her: "Oh I thought you were my friend Scott. I'm sorry I woke you up."
Me:"Hey no problem, just call me this afternoon so we can catch up"

Now that was a few days ago, and I have not heard from here since. She probably is going to rush off and change her cell number. The original reason she gave for severing ties was her counselor told her it was best, in order to get off drugs.

I am not going to claim here that I despise her, because she is not doing anything I have not already done. More than likely. Yeah, I always partied like it was 1999. It took a lot of soul searching and recognizing how unhappy I was with my life before I kicked the recreational drug use. Once I did, I did not look back.

So I hope she is ok. I hope she is doing well, and is not headed towards a cliff with the rest of the lemmings she is running around with. I hope she is smart enough to verify what she is taking in some way, or not take it. I hope she is careful. I hope she is not being an ignorant slut.


But I have my doubts.

Leftovers...

Ah yes, the Holidays. That time of year that people you really dont talk to the rest of the year arrive at your house, you spend a lot of money on gifts that wind up either getting regifted to their pool boy, or better yet, go back to the store for something they really wanted in the first place. Ho Ho Ho.

Well, we are past them folks. Now comes New Years. Its not really a holiday. It's more of an excuse for adults that are mature and grown up to take one night of the year and drink like they are 19, sneaking liquor from under the sink. Of course that usually leads to puking on the boxwoods around 3am, but sometimes that is ok. It reminds us why we don't drink like that the rest of the year. Much

I actually have the week between Christmas and New Years off from work. Granted, being a contractor, I don't get paid for this time off, but its a chance to recharge. TO get things done around the house. So what am I doing with my first day? Blogging. Heee.

Actually I came here to relay a funny.

We are a cluttered household. Man, we have stuff stacked, and need to go through, but just have not had time. I have a pile of crap on my desk for the past few months, I don't know what is there, but I am sure I need it. It does not help that I am the world's worst packrat. So I started looking at our front room, where the bookshelves are. I guess you could refer to it as the library, but that sounds so snotty. As I am looking to see if I can part with any paperback, and make a little room, I find 7 books with titles like "How to Declutter..."

Ah I know how to declutter!!!!Eleven!!!11

Stop buying the damn books!

Anyway, I am going to go through this laundry basket of crap and see why I have saved it for 6 months. Wish me luck.

And Happy Holidays, really, even if you take that sweater back I bought you, and trade it in for a Xbox game, its the thought that counts.

All these things that I have done...

Just a quick catch up of sorts, and hopefully I can get more details over the next week, as i am going to be off work after Christmas until after New Years. Until then I have...

drank way too much whiskey

had steaks at 2 high end restaurants, the first I told you about, the second, I would not really suggest. It was a bit too pretentious for my tastes.

Worked a lot, but been reassigned, so my job revolves around cleaning, stacking and otherwise letting my IT skills go to waste for the most part.

Been to a party in a phonebooth, but it was one hell of a party.

figured out that sometimes, there are people that bend the rules just like I do, only this time it worked to my benefit.

planned a big christmas feast, cancelled a christmas feast, planned a christmas feast.

Began getting things in order for a "festivus" party on new years eve, complete with a patio heater for us smokers.

drank more whiskey

learned that I will actually eat lobster and shrimp, if prepared correctly.

wondered if I should do another whiskey run.


Hopefully I can detail more as time goes on, but for now, here it is.